Goddamn It

So much for fucking stability. I woke up today to feelings of depression AND mania. It was so bad I had a hard time holding my grandson again: the feelings were just too strong and I had some really bad thoughts of death, dying, and how the survivors could possibly cope with the changes wrought. God it feels bad. I yelled at my son, I barked at my wife. I demolished a unopened box of saltine crackers; at least I'm choosing less expensive targets these days. I'm so nervous my hands have been shaking. Not the lithium quiver, but real suppressed-rage shaking. I want to get up and work around the house but at the moment I don't dare. The ideas won't stop demanding attention, and I want to draw or paint today, but again, I don't know how I'd react if the artwork didn't go as planned or if my hands refused to cooperate with my imagination - scratch that, I know exactly how I'd react, and it wouldn't be pretty. It's time for more lithium, maybe the boiling will quell for a while. I don't think my family really understands how painful this is; they just stand out of the way until Daddy is out of his Incredible Hulk phase. But nowadays the Hulk is usually crying while throwing the furniture around.

Update:

I took a break (from the computer) and went to do the dishes and wash the baby stuff. What a mistake. I'm trying to wash up from supper and suddenly everybody else decides it's time to wash one of the babies. Dammit. I was going to make juice, I was going to make Kool-Aid, i was going to make limeade (homemade, yum!) but got shoved out of the way and now the dishes are drying out and getting crusty and I'm extremely thirsty (lithium, y'know) and need something to drink and I didn't really want more water but there is nothing liquid in the 'fridge except milk and lemon-lime soda (see above) and I'd have to go to the bathroom to get a glass of water anyway but someone is in THERE so I went to wash the baby stuff and my son got mad at ME because someone got mad at HIM and I lost it and told him to gimme the dammed bibs and get the fuck out of the laundry room NOW and I went back and got the 2-liter soda and the dammed thing EXPLODED as soon as I got it out of the 'fridge (never had that happen before!) and right now I'm shaking and so wound up I'm afraid I'll explode myself so I retreated back to the dark coolness of the computer room.

Hi, so how was your evening?