Day 17: Flip-floppin' Away

Friday June 13, 2008

Despite the flippant title, I really don't feel good. I was OK when I got up, but now, around noon, I'm uneasy. In fact, I'm scared. Ok, so it takes up to two weeks for the antidepressant to work; maybe I'll feel better then.

For now, I'm scared - I already said that, sorry. I have been trying to figure out what I'm going to do for the rest of my life, and haven't come up with any good answers.

Mary and I have agreed to shut down the studio, or, rather, the portrait business, as we don't have a studio location anymore. She can't guarantee that she'll be available to help me, and I don't feel able to handle it myself. Our dream was to work side-by-side, but that hope dried up rather quickly, due to family obligations. We had actually taken her availability into account when we start the studio, and thought we could work around her schedule, but it never worked out, and when we added the complications of two very welcome but inconvenient grandchildren, well, it just completely fell apart. The probability of an appointment conflict - that the driver may not be available - starts to approach 100%. This is not even considering that there is no verifiable way to ensure the photographer won't be sitting drooling in the corner or pacing the floor in a growing rage.

As to why I'm scared: I'm not me. I don't feel that I'm inside here. I do realize that there must be some of me still here, but I don't feel like me. I look in the mirror and don't completely recognize the person looking back. The memories are the same, and I know where all the body parts are, and why, for instance, this muscle here hurts. But it's like I was assigned this body as a loaner because mine is being serviced or something. I'm hoping this feeling will go away, but I can't see that it will: I've been bipolar for so long, I don't remember what "normal" is.

And I'm wondering if I still have the creative spark. Was it a result of the disease? I was able to rebuild the new air conditioner to work with our rather odd conditions of our crooked old house, so maybe it's still there. I want to try some painting again, to see if I've still "got it". We'll see, I guess.