Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Day 21: Implosion

Tuesday June 17, 2008

Yesterday found me on an upswing, feeling good but with some barely-suppressed aggression and irritation. Luckily, I kept my tongue.

There's been more memory problems the last few days. Not just short-term, what-was-I-doing stuff. Mary and I went to a restaurant for dinner, the first time in months, I ordered steak and and forgot "medium rare"; I've been forgetting a lot of simple words and phrases. Usually they'll come to me after a while, but sometimes I need help from family members to get the thought out.

I almost lost control and started crying right in the middle of a crowded Logan's Roadhouse. It took a lot to fight the feelings back. The steak, however, was perfect.

Last night I could feel myriad thoughts and ideas bubbling up, like vegetables in a simmering stew. My own fault, probably: I missed the 4:00 pm pills and ended up waiting until midnight.

Today I'm down-er. After telling Mary (last night) I was going to try to clean out the remains of the living room, I face the new day with an absolute lack of any will to do so. We did get a good start on finishing up the shutting down of our business. I can converse on the phone, where last month I would often choke up and not be able to speak because I was sobbing so hard.

Update:

Evening brought anxiousness, restlessness, terror and tears. There were moments when the feelings seemed as bad as they did last month. The ride is headed back up. Oops, now it's headed back down. I explained it to Mary like this: as any mother will know, there is a moment during childbirth where the expectant mom says "Ok, I've changed my mind, I'm not going through with this, I said I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS!" It's the same here. I don't like this. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I don't want to do this. But it's not going to be over in a few minutes; it could go on for the rest of my life. I really understand why people with BD commit suicide.

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