Thursday, June 5, 2008

Day Eight: Mixed Bag

Wednesday June 4, 2008

Appetite is better today, but some foods still make me ill - just thinking about a turkey sandwich makes me gag. I was trying to arise at 6:00 AM, but I couldn't awaken enough to stop dreaming, and stayed in bed until around 10:00 AM. Not too dizzy, and my face doesn't feel funny.

Mary and I went out to purchase an air conditioner; she let me drive. I felt some aggression toward other drivers, but was (mostly) able to let it slide by. I was also able to resist the temptation to buy a big AC for the main living area (the dining/kitchen/family room) and four more for the other main rooms of the house. We just got one, to keep the living area comfortable during the day (104° yesterday!). The purchase of the AC is in itself a minor victory, since part of my brain is telling me how easy it would be to build a technologically advanced multi-stage solar-driven evaporative cooler and another part is telling me how easy it would be to buy the other 4 units and install them through the walls.

I'd like to get a better handle on the mania, especially the GREAT IDEAS! that come flooding into my head. If I can recognize the symptoms, maybe I can work around them. Maybe. I've been able to cope (somewhat) for 40-plus years, but even knowing when I'm manic hasn't been enough to prevent much of the craziness.

Scratch what I said about appetite. We got back from AC shopping and discovered that the nice breakfast Mary had fixed for me was only half-eaten. I hadn't even noticed. No lunch, and I didn't really miss it. For dinner I had two hot dogs, but could only eat one. Later I had a small bowl of cereal. Maybe I'll lose some weight.

Chris, Jen, Mary and I are going to an anger-management class tomorrow, courtesy of Child Protective Services. It's actually for Chris and Jen, but Mary and I are tagging along. I think their social worker was a bit concerned that I got a little wonky a few weeks back and tore two doors out of the wall. I suppose I should write about some of the things that led up to the current state of affairs, but for the moment, let me just say that I think the class may not have any real direct utility for me, as my anger and aggression were based on physical pain and mental anguish, and always under my control (at least to the point of my rage never being directed at and person or living creature, only inanimate and easily-repaired objects - ie, I knew I was tearing things up, but only things i could fix), and currently my temper is under new (chemical) management. However, I'm open minded, I'm tired of repairing doors, and I also want to learn the techniques to possibly help others.

5:30 PM

Feelings of anger and frustration are welling up. There's no apparent reason. I'm an hour and a half late on the mid-day Lexipro and lithium, but that shouldn't have this kind of effect.

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