Sunday June 15, 2008
Happy father's day, damn it.
Sitting at the computer (what else is new?) reading some material I came across from psychiatric journals. The subject touched on suicide, and I remembered that I lied to Doc (yes, I have thought about suicide, but I considered it more an intellectual exercise: how to make it quick and painless and not traumatize my family - so no slit wrists in the shower) and I thought again how I don't want to hurt my family and I realized that suicide would be an acceptable resolution to this mess and I started sobbing...and I just did it again.
I only came to tears about 4 times yesterday; I've stopped trying to hide it from the family, they don't pay me much attention anyway, they just stay out of my way. That hurts; only my youngest ever offers a hug or pat on the shoulder these days. She knows what it's like (and is under treatment, too). If I'd known the genetic factor in this condition would I have had so many children? Any? I think probably so. After all, for most of my life I was SUPERMAN!, Man of Steel! and master of all reality.
I woke up crying this morning, cried through an early piss, rinsed out my dry, sticky mouth and went back to bed. I was better for a while after I re-awoke. I wonder if any of that good vibe was due to missing my morning lithium by a few hours.
"Rapid cycling" is defined as 4 or more episodes lasting more than (I think) one week over one year. I must be ultradian: I can can do a complete cycle in one day.
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