Friday May 30, 2008
The day went well. I feel perfectly normal (see below), side effects are minimal, and I am confindent. I still have dry mouth, but the highs seem to be gone now.
As for how I feel, the normalness itself is very strange. I mentioned earlier that I think I must have been either flying or crashing all my life, because this current state seems so irregular in it's regularity.
I've had time to carefully consider the last several months, and I realize I've haven't been merely depressed, I've been manic and depressed at the same time; everything has been so mixed up,. the pain and the elation stirred together and everything whirring around so fast I can't get my breath, an emotional trash compactor, rocky road ice cream with sprinkles and rotting fish guts and GODDAMN IT HURTS and I don't know why, just the memory of it cuts through this drug-induced flatness and brings on the pain again.
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